Fuck off, Rudy Hess. It's your birthday!
Hope you're looking up at me and crying right now, dingus.
It's been a minute since I've done one of these posts, but GUESS WHO HAS A BIRTHDAY TODAY???
Why, it's RUDOLF HESS!
YES, one of the most heinous CHOADS TO HAVE EVER BREATHED AIR ON THIS ROCK WAS BORN ON THIS DAY IN 1894.
Hoss and his fascist unibrow were shat out of his mom's playpen lo so many years ago in Egypt. Yep. Why she didn't drown him at birth after spying that jawline and unibrow is BEYOND COMPREHENSION...but I digress.
Well, Julia, who the fuck was Rudy Hess? Well, he was a big muckety muck with the Nazi Party and was besties with Adolf Hitler. Rudester was a mini-Fuhrer or something like that. He and his ilk did all sorts of ill shit, like plan out Nazi Party love-ins like the ones held annually at Nuremberg. Messy Hessy was also in charge of Hitler's Nuremberg Laws, which stated, UH NAHH..NO WAY CAN EW-JAYS MARRY OR EVEN DO BIDNESS WITH NON-EW-JAYS. ARYANS 4-EVAAAAAH! Or something like that.
Anyhoo, Hess didn't have a staff or sycophants because he had major feels for his boss. BUTTTTTTTT..that kinda-maybe-sorta got him and his unibrow into trouble.
In 1941, in a wicked game of telephone (you know, the game you play at family parties to keep your creepy uncle from feeling up the girl children), in this case, actual telephones were used.
Someone in England, mainly King George VI, had a message for you, Rudy. Like, hey... how about we hammer out a peace deal in Scotland, mmkay? But do it really quiet like, k? Just wing it on over to Scotland to discuss peace and chill with the Duke of Hamilton.
See, Rudy had some issues flying, and to make a long story short, he crashed his plane near Hamilton's abode but was able to parachute out before he died. Rudy was captured and tried for being a dumb fucking Nazi—among other things. Hess got to chill in the Tower of London with the corpses of other ne'er do wells who tried to fuck with England.
Uhhh, but here's the rub: Hitler wasn't aware of this peace attempt—well, not really.
So, Adolf said NEIN to Hessy's homecoming and had a goose-stepping tantrum in the Berghoff. I like to think he shat his knickers, but that's just me.
WHOOPSIES.
Finally, Rudy Hess was tried AND convicted at Nuremberg for doing all of the fakakte shit the pig fuck Nazis did during the 1930s through Dubya Dubya Two. He spent the rest of his days in the Spandau (Ballet) Prison, where he eventually DID THE WORLD A HUGE FUCKING FAVOR BY OFFING HISSELF in 1987.
So, you fucking chaos goblin, I hope you're enjoying a crusty tit cake filled with shit, toe jam, and burned boogers from hippos in HELL.
You deserve it; you shit gibbon.
Fuck off.
Cheers!
xoxo Jules
Now do Albert Speer. Slave laborer overseer bastard.